No pictures this time.
Also, I AGONIZED over this because my mom reads this blog and I'm 98% positive she won't find this funny. But then I looked and saw I have ...quite a few followers who aren't my mom and. And. Well. Here. MOM, IT'S A JOKE.
So the other night I either had a nightmare about OR actually heard noises outside my window. I don't know which. But I did wake up terrified that there was SOMEONE out there (there wasn't?) and I had no other recourse than... this.
Dear (Potential?) Robber/Vandal/Murderer/Rapist:
Hi! Listen -- I know it’s probably super tempting to break into my first-floor apartment, but I’d love to give you a list of reasons I’d really, really appreciate you taking your surely delightful attempts elsewhere.
I’m an actress. I’m really not very well-to-do and I’m struggling. Just like you. We’re comrades, of sorts. The have-nots. I absolutely couldn’t afford to replace the things I’ve saved to purchase.
A lot of my junk has serious sentimental value. A dead grandmother’s necklace, books (please don’t steal my books), items bought with a deceased aunt. Etc. You can’t replace my memories, dear thief. (If you can, you have another career ahead of you).
I live with four cats. This crap is all I have. It keeps me from the deep end.
I bet we’d get along great! I’d rather not ruin this blossoming friendship over something trivial like “stuff I own that you stole” or whatever. Coffee? My treat.
I’d cry. I mean, a lot.
I’m a super nice person. I’d never rob/vandalize/murder/rape you! Never in a billion years!
What goes around comes around. Just sayin’.
98% of my stuff is related to work. Borrrrrrring for you. Devastating for me!
IF YOU ARE A MAN-PERSON. I have already dealt with severe disappointment from dudes. Let’s not perpetuate what is blooming into a stereotype, mkay?
IF YOU ARE A LADY-PERSON. I hate Sex in the City and I bet you do too.
If you’re thinking of stealing a cat, just wake me up and I’ll explain to you why that’s the worst idea you’ve ever had.
Finally, I’d really appreciate your act of social rebellion in a more constructive form: we could make posters and protest something (anything! you name it!) or just go laugh ironically at something while secretly enjoying it. Whatever.
So okay! That’s it, new pal! Introduce yourself proper and we can have tea or something. Book club? I don’t know. But I’m guessing you’re convinced you ought to take your fine debauchery to other, more lucrative locations -- and I applaud that decision.