Friday, April 22, 2011

A Letter to a Bad Guy


No pictures this time.

Also, I AGONIZED over this because my mom reads this blog and I'm 98% positive she won't find this funny. But then I looked and saw I have ...quite a few followers who aren't my mom and. And. Well. Here. MOM, IT'S A JOKE.

So the other night I either had a nightmare about OR actually heard noises outside my window. I don't know which. But I did wake up terrified that there was SOMEONE out there (there wasn't?) and I had no other recourse than... this.

Dear (Potential?) Robber/Vandal/Murderer/Rapist:

Hi! Listen -- I know it’s probably super tempting to break into my first-floor apartment, but I’d love to give you a list of reasons I’d really, really appreciate you taking your surely delightful attempts elsewhere.

I’m an actress. I’m really not very well-to-do and I’m struggling. Just like you. We’re comrades, of sorts. The have-nots. I absolutely couldn’t afford to replace the things I’ve saved to purchase.

A lot of my junk has serious sentimental value. A dead grandmother’s necklace, books (please don’t steal my books), items bought with a deceased aunt. Etc. You can’t replace my memories, dear thief. (If you can, you have another career ahead of you).

I live with four cats. This crap is all I have. It keeps me from the deep end.

I bet we’d get along great! I’d rather not ruin this blossoming friendship over something trivial like “stuff I own that you stole” or whatever. Coffee? My treat.

I’d cry. I mean, a lot.

I’m a super nice person. I’d never rob/vandalize/murder/rape you! Never in a billion years!

What goes around comes around. Just sayin’.

98% of my stuff is related to work. Borrrrrrring for you. Devastating for me!

IF YOU ARE A MAN-PERSON. I have already dealt with severe disappointment from dudes. Let’s not perpetuate what is blooming into a stereotype, mkay?

IF YOU ARE A LADY-PERSON. I hate Sex in the City and I bet you do too.

If you’re thinking of stealing a cat, just wake me up and I’ll explain to you why that’s the worst idea you’ve ever had.

Finally, I’d really appreciate your act of social rebellion in a more constructive form: we could make posters and protest something (anything! you name it!) or just go laugh ironically at something while secretly enjoying it. Whatever.

So okay! That’s it, new pal! Introduce yourself proper and we can have tea or something. Book club? I don’t know. But I’m guessing you’re convinced you ought to take your fine debauchery to other, more lucrative locations -- and I applaud that decision.



  1. I have totally had this same impulse. When I was a kid I think I actually wrote a letter like that and put it on my side table till my mom found it and was like... did something scare you? Then I started pulling my blankets up higher because in my 6-year-old brain they were stab-proof and would help me defeat the scary people who were inevitably come in my window.

  2. Have you sent tht letter to a newspaper yet? It could save lives!

  3. Ugh, that would make me super paranoid after that. I hope it was just a dream and also that you have locks on your windows just in case. If you don't and are afraid he'll come back just hang a sign on your window that says, "I know who you are, and you're being filmed mutha fucka".

    Ok, sorry about the language there.

    It's good to hear from you again, Kate. I've missed reading your posts.

  4. I'm alive, just super busy trying to make "real" money. And as fun as it is, blogging doesn't pay!

  5. Great stuff!

    Always good to try to reason with the crazies. It'll at least confuse them until you can get away.

  6. I wonder how your Robber/Vandal/Murderer/Rapist would reply to this? Well I don't know. But next time, you should leave him some milk and cookies. Like Santa. Then he'll feel bad about robbing/vandalizing/murdering/raping you. :)

  7. When I was little we had someone pound on one of our windows late one night. Scared the bejeesus out of me. From that experience I have carried with me a huge phobia of home intruders. Your list is right on. Maybe I have been going about harboring my fear all wrong?

  8. My word verification on my last comment was "butbe". I wanted to share. If the next word verification is equally as funny I might be back. :)

  9. Robbery and Fire are two of the most devastating things I can imagine happening.

    Aside from, you know, death of my loved ones and all.

  10. This is absolute genius, but also extremely scary. Do you have locks on your windows? I live on the third floor, but you can still access it from the outside- I wake up at every little thing! I don't know how you were able to muster humor into being scared.

  11. have you heard Mrs. Story's version of this. I could retell it, but it would have to be over the phone so I can do the Jewish/ New York accent.

  12. Hahah, I know this is old, but still funny. The cat line cracked me up...if only they were like guard dogs.


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