Monday, September 6, 2010

Being a Grownup

Being a grown up is kind of awesome -- IN THEORY. 






See, on paper? being a grown up is just the single kickassiest thing that ever happened. But in reality...





I figure this is mostly the fault of other grown ups telling us lies through their braces-free teeth when we were younger. We were told so much about our future lives; we were promised so many wonderful, glittering things. And it always started with “when you’re a grown up...”

Well, mom?

I’m a grown up!

Where’s my breakfast cake?








No, see, that doesn’t happen. Because I’m a grown up.

DO YOU SEE the catch-22? Do you see where this went hopelessly awry? No? I’ll explain:

You see, here we are, merrily trudging our way through childhood.











And then we’re adolescents.









And all the while, we’re told “no, you can’t” and “when you’re an adult, you can do whatever you want, but right now FILL IN BLANK”. 

Then, BOOM.







But by the time we reach adulthood, we have BECOME THE NAYSAYERS. We can’t enjoy it! We now know that having cake for breakfast is bad for us, no matter how fun it sounds in the moment. We stopped living in the NOW and suddenly we’re worried about FUTURE THINGS.





(because space travel is a more interesting future thing panel than mortgage payments)


There was so much pressure riding on our adulthoods they couldn’t possibly live up to the hype. We were assured that we’d be acne free and beautiful (Fuck you, Hans Christian Andersen).





We were told we could wear PAJAMAS to SCHOOL once we got to college.






There was a promise of never-ending waked-ness, of no bedtime at all! Of being able to ride a bike without a helmet! Of never taking a bath again! Of being FREEEEEEEEE.












BUT NONE OF THIS TRUE! Our crushing realization that we have “jobs” and must “interact” with other “people” (who are probably just as disappointed with adulthood as you are) means that we HAVE to bathe.


And we HAVE to go to bed and we HAVE to wake up and we HAVE to pay bills.













And we still get zits! 




And, goddammit, we CAN’T eat cake for breakfast because we are mother fucking RESPONSIBLE.






This needs to end. Adulthood was heralded as this great beacon of hope, this Garden of Eden, the most fun you could ever hope to have.

So screw it: I’m going to have a good time.




34 comments:

  1. This is... about as much truth as you can cram into MS Paint stick figures. I love it.

    Have you ever listened to Frank Turner, btw? He'd be just about the perfect soundtrack to this
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQMVHhxTtLc

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  2. Thanks, Lazar! I haven't -- I'll give him a listen!

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  3. Lol. What you say about adulthood is true, which means it totally BOMBS. Still, unemployment is a good way of not having to be an adult just yet. :-P

    -Barb the French Bean

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  4. hello kate!!! nice blog & beautiful snaps, i will visit ur blog very often, hope u go for this website to increase visitor.Happy Blogging!!!

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  5. Hi, Barb!

    I've made an amazing career out of not having a job. So.

    AGREE.

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  6. I eat chocolate chip cookies for breakfast often. Chocolate is actually my main food group, so I suppose I'm doing "being an adult" wrong.

    Also? I would flip off my bike and land on my head immediately. :(

    Lorraine

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  7. Lorraine: You are my HERO. That sounds so nice.

    I've been riding my bike a LOT lately (it's beautiful, finally, outside). I haven't fallen yet, but I do wear a helmet. Because I'm mother FUCKING RESPONSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAR!

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  8. I am suddenly overwhelmed. I will look at my son tonight and tell him, quite plainly, "You're screwed, but I love you anyway."

    Or I could just have cake for breakfast. Hmmmmm. Decisions, decisions.

    Love your blog...I'll be back to read more.

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  9. I get too scared to ride a bike without a helmut. Mainly because I got an odometer for my bike and it says I go in excess of 50mph downhill (22 on a flat road) and my imagination goes really crazy thinking about the damage that would occur after a 50mph crash...but then again, the helmut would probably not save me anyway...okay, as I am talking this out with myself I say SCREW IT!!! NO HELMUT!!! But then again, my helmut is super duper cute and pink....Never mind, I see it as my fashion statement. :D

    http://candicornbelly.blogspot.com/2010/08/boob-assault.html

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  10. Danger Boy: I feel that honesty is the best policy. I plan to tell my children "nothing you do will ever matter" and "Johnny, that picture of a squiggly spider is terrible, stop trying now." Thank you so much, I look forward to your visits!

    Candice: Holy crap, you ride your bike like a SPEED DEMON. I poodle along at a pleasant 10-12 mph.

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  11. As a twenty-three-year-old still definitely in the "Man, being a grown-up SUCKS, I wish college could have lasted forever!" stage of life, this is... so true. I'll admit to having worn PJs to early morning college classes once in a while though. Who didn't?

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  12. Oh, Rebecca. I did. I DID. But the bulk of my school didn't. Lamers.

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  13. Your post reminded me of something I once heard (I don't remember where):

    "Muffins are for people who don't have the balls to eat cupcakes for breakfast."

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  14. Michelle: When I was a kid? Instead of birthday cupcakes for class, I always brought birthday muffins.

    a) I was not a popular kid and
    b) I just don't like cake.

    Please don't hit me.

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  15. What difference does it make when I eat the cake, if I intend to have the cake at some point? Thats my thinking. You want the cake, don't you? Don't you? So EAT the cake. Wear pajamas that you can layer with and wear them to work, just to be saucy!

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  16. It was this and being told that Santa was real that really made me distrust my parents. I told my kids the truth - Enjoy things while you can, and no there isn't a jolly fat guy that climbs down our non-exsistent chimney every year. But I love you anyways, and I'm here for you when things get rough - for moral and emotional support that is. I hope they hold less resentment for me than I do for my folks. Like your blog! ^_^

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  17. Rude - SO true, but really? cake as a meal? Oh dear.

    Kyrie - Do not be sad!!!

    Vixen - Thank you!

    Santa's not real? WTF MOM.

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  18. This post just made my day/life.

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  19. I am SO with you on this. I want cake for breakfast too!
    The other day I ate Reese's Cups for breakfast and was like, "fuck you, Reese's Puffs cereal, you lie. actual Reese's for breakfast is so much better than you."
    Also, I love how your PJ's had sad faces haha!

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  20. K-money -- SWEET.

    LaceyRee -- Thanks! And oh man, that sounds delicious.

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  21. I watched my sister's kids once a week during the summer. One day, they asked to stop at a doughnut shop for breakfast. When we got to the counter, my adorable nephew ordered a cookie for breakfast. I was about to tell him, "you can't have cookies for breakfast" but then I realized that fried sugared up dough was probably worse for him than baked sugared up dough. What does it really matter when 90% of breakfast food is horrible for you anyway?

    (This is why I don't have my own kids.)

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  22. I just (boooooooriiiiiiinglyyyyyyyyy) eat fruit. And drink lots of coffee. The expression of my face up in the breakfast cake panel, the first one? That's the expression that is always on my face. Because I've had seventeen hundred cups of coffee.

    EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  23. This is hilarious!! Holy crap. I am currently eating a bag of chocolate covered pretzels for dinner.

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  24. yes! you nailed it...both the problem and the solution!! as an "adult," I frequently do irresponsible things...and pay the (mild) consequences. it's WORTH IT, DANG IT! haha. :)

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  25. Thanks, Stephanie!

    (Your entry on music is so dead on; I loved it.)

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  26. Haha this is so true and so funny!!! ISometimes I wish I was a kid again yet I don't really want that to happen as well...geez!

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  27. Kate,

    I turned 31 last weekend, and I'm a big fan of the split personality. I'm a college instructor and a content developer for a website... I exercise every morning at 7:30 and overpay my mortgage... it doesn't really get any more grown-up than that. BUT--here's the good news--if you just forget to be a grown up once in a while, you can usually get away with it. My husband and I took our kids (6 & 4) to a local go-kart track recently and raced for hours... in the POURING rain. We were the only people there and the operators thought we were nuts. So what if we catch cold? That's why Walmart has an entire department of cold medicine. And breakfast? Is usually nachos. (I don't like sweet stuff). I don't bike, but hows this for a safety conundrum? I went skydiving a couple years ago and they made me wear a helmet... Do I get responsibility points for that? The secret is perspective. I've never yet seen a tombstone that says, "Here lies Kate, who died from cake." Don't sweat it. Eat your heart out! (Stircrazy)

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  28. I love this blog so much (just found it). And I absolutely love the last post (anonymous: 10/15/10). I'll tell you what, I'm a 28 year old adult myself, and I have, in the past five years, done all of the following at least once: eaten cake for breakfast, poured my cereal on vanilla ice cream because I was temporarily out of milk, splurged on a thing I wanted to buy that I shouldn't have afforded because I really wanted to, stayed up until five am on a work morning playing video games (and just dealt with the tired the rest of the day), and grabbed the comics section of the newspaper before so much as looking at the headlines. Don't let other grown-ups convince you with their miserable lies that now that you are grown up you have to be 100% responsible. You can totally still have fun as a grown up. JUST DO IT! :D

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  29. What was that blue thing in your hand that was in the adolescent "you're grounded" picture?

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