In which a total nerd tells you what’s cool.
I’m going to preemptively preempt this by saying quickly: this is not a fashion blog. This wasn’t even supposed to be a post for this blog! I just didn’t know where else to put it because it just got longer and longer -- it got away from me. IT GREW.
Guys, let’s talk about things that aren’t cool. Things that simply are not cool. I see a lot of uncoolness floating around and I’m pretty sure this handy list here will help us ALL avoid some of the pitfalls of uncool-i-ness.
Let’s start off slow.
There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? No one’s surprised by this (right???) -- fanny packs Are Not Cool.
Here’s another easy one:
I know that the sun isn't clothing, I just wanted to wait for everyone to catch up. Also, sunburn is never cool. Okay, we’re all on the same page now, right?
Let’s move on to something a little more advanced.
I know it seems cool NOW to dress like a hobo, but when you look back on this in ten years, you’re going to feel really. REALLY. REALLY!!!!!! stupid. Unless you a) are a hobo or b) are going to fully commit and have the little hobo stick-kerchief accessory (in which case, I SALUTE YOU and YOU WIN LIFE), stop dressing like you have negative twenty four cents.
I also think it’s very uncool for shorts to cost more than pants.
I’ll say it again.
SHORTS. cost MORE DOLLARS. than PANTS.
You can just sit on that one for a while.
High waistlines are “in” or “back” or whatever stupid jargon we use.
WHY ARE YOU IN AND/OR BACK, HIGH WAISTLINES?
You weren’t flattering then and you aren’t flattering now! When your most famous fashionista was Urkel, it’s time to just ride into the sunset and never return.
Speaking of horribly unflattering...
) or their pants (and I use the term loosely) are about to explode off their normal-sized-human-thighs. These four people are all eighty seven feet tall and have the bodies of a Barbie doll and I’m 98% certain they’re Cylons. So they don’t even COUNT, you guys.
I’ll leave you with one more.
No, two more, because I have to put in a P.S. at the bottom of this entry.
Let’s talk mukluks.
What’s a mukluk?
It’s sort of an even stupider Ugg.
I’m not even sure I need to say anything about this -- but just in case some of you want to look like a worn out Clydesdale, I’ll put it out there.
Clothing is meant for warmth. It is also meant for storage and for protection. I’ll acquiesce that there is a degree of artistry and personal expression in the clothing industry and there has been for centuries, but the bottom line of clothing is function. Your clothes should be functional. And until someone can explain the functionality of THIS:
You can just keep walking.
P.S.: While I was researching what’s cool this season for this entry (because I sure as crap have no real idea), I discovered that lingerie as outerwear is a thing. A thing as in, it’s “cool”. And my first, visceral reaction was, “Holy Fuck, what?! YOU CAN SEE HER BOOB. YOU CAN’T WALK AROUND LIKE THAT.” But then I thought about it some more and this is what I’ve come up with:
I don’t have to get dressed in the morning at all.
Think about it -- 2010 could be the year of lazy dressing. I can roll out of bed in my skivvies and tumble to work* and if someone gives me guff about it, I can be all like: No, guys, it’s IN this season! And if everyone’s doing it, it’s gold! Lazy gold!
It’ll be like THIS, but ALL THE TIMES.
* (I don’t have a job.)
P.P.S.: I totally rescind the above “clothing is for warmth” crap if it means I can roll out of bed and go places without having to get dressed or be uncomfortable.