Monday, September 13, 2010

2010 Fashion Tips: What's in Style!

In which a total nerd tells you what’s cool. 

I’m going to preemptively preempt this by saying quickly: this is not a fashion blog. This wasn’t even supposed to be a post for this blog! I just didn’t know where else to put it because it just got longer and longer -- it got away from me. IT GREW. 

Guys, let’s talk about things that aren’t cool. Things that simply are not cool. I see a lot of uncoolness floating around and I’m pretty sure this handy list here will help us ALL avoid some of the pitfalls of uncool-i-ness.

Let’s start off slow. 

There, that wasn’t so bad, was it? No one’s surprised by this (right???) -- fanny packs Are Not Cool. 
Here’s another easy one:

I know that the sun isn't clothing, I just wanted to wait for everyone to catch up. Also, sunburn is never cool. Okay, we’re all on the same page now, right?

Let’s move on to something a little more advanced.

I know it seems cool NOW to dress like a hobo, but when you look back on this in ten years, you’re going to feel really. REALLY. REALLY!!!!!! stupid. Unless you a) are a hobo or b) are going to fully commit and have the little hobo stick-kerchief accessory (in which case, I SALUTE YOU and YOU WIN LIFE), stop dressing like you have negative twenty four cents.

I also think it’s very uncool for shorts to cost more than pants.

I’ll say it again.


You can just sit on that one for a while.

High waistlines are “in” or “back” or whatever stupid jargon we use.


You weren’t flattering then and you aren’t flattering now! When your most famous fashionista was Urkel, it’s time to just ride into the sunset and never return.

Speaking of horribly unflattering...

Maybe four people in the world can wear capri pants without looking like they’re waiting for a flood (One day, though. One day, they’ll be right.

) or their pants (and I use the term loosely) are about to explode off their normal-sized-human-thighs. These four people are all eighty seven feet tall and have the bodies of a Barbie doll and I’m 98% certain they’re Cylons. So they don’t even COUNT, you guys. 

I’ll leave you with one more.

No, two more, because I have to put in a P.S. at the bottom of this entry.

Let’s talk mukluks. 

What’s a mukluk?

It’s sort of an even stupider Ugg.

I’m not even sure I need to say anything about this -- but just in case some of you want to look like a worn out Clydesdale, I’ll put it out there. 

Clothing is meant for warmth. It is also meant for storage and for protection. I’ll acquiesce that there is a degree of artistry and personal expression in the clothing industry and there has been for centuries, but the bottom line of clothing is function. Your clothes should be functional. And until someone can explain the functionality of THIS:

You can just keep walking.

P.S.: While I was researching what’s cool this season for this entry (because I sure as crap have no real idea), I discovered that lingerie as outerwear is a thing. A thing as in, it’s “cool”. And my first, visceral reaction was, “Holy Fuck, what?! YOU CAN SEE HER BOOB. YOU CAN’T WALK AROUND LIKE THAT.” But then I thought about it some more and this is what I’ve come up with:

I don’t have to get dressed in the morning at all.

Think about it -- 2010 could be the year of lazy dressing. I can roll out of bed in my skivvies and tumble to work* and if someone gives me guff about it, I can be all like: No, guys, it’s IN this season! And if everyone’s doing it, it’s gold! Lazy gold!

It’ll be like THIS, but ALL THE TIMES.

* (I don’t have a job.)

P.P.S.: I totally rescind the above “clothing is for warmth” crap if it means I can roll out of bed and go places without having to get dressed or be uncomfortable.


  1. I totally agree! People who don't dress weather-appropriately bug me so much! Do they really expect their $100+ Ugg boots to keep them warm when it's 20 degrees?? lol

  2. Your comment about "Cylons" makes me love you more than I did 5 minutes ago. 5 minutes ago it was a frightening amount of love. Now, well I don't do math but the Apocalypse is neigh.

  3. Rae -- I have no idea if they THINK at all, so. Expectations? Probably not.

    Traveler -- AWESOME. Just run around saying that to people today!

    Quixotic -- Aww. I mean... Wait. Apocalypses aren't cute.

  4. I have to say. I was a big fan of the "lingerie as regular clothes" idea until I remembered that men eventually inherit womens fashion (ie sandals and capris). That wouldn't be pretty.

  5. Mukluks crack me up! All the LA women wore them, so people who could barely afford them got a pair. A month later the LAers got rid of them, but everyone is stuck with these ugly things that right on the outside of their feet like something on a four-year-old.

  6. Justin -- if you hop on it now, you'll be a trend/setter/, not a trend/follower/!

    Brie -- I! am an LA person! I NEVER WORE THOSE THINGS. Fact.

  7. wait... pajamas as clothing?! i accidentally left the house in my bunny slippers the other day... does that mean i accidentally left the house STYLISH?! if so, that could actually be a sign of the apocalypse. because i am many things. stylish is *not* one of them.

  8. I seriously will never understand the people who wear mini skirts with their Ugg boots. Isn't that a contradiction?

    I like your drawings! I also posted a "fashion don'ts" post a while back :)

  9. Thanks so much! And yeah -- that 'statement' baffles me. Why has it been in for ...6? years?

  10. Haha. Oh my gosh. I remember seeing an outfit like the one you last described a couple years back. I was in downtown Toronto and I walked by an American Apparel, or something along those lines, and they had a big banner advertising their 'new winter line' and the outfit was BOOTY SHORTS, super thin leggings, a tank with a SHRUG and ankle boots.

    I took one look at it and went WTH?.

  11. Maybe it's for wintering in Aruba. ...maybe?

  12. mucklucks(sp) are fun but only if used after you and your friends have been drinking. High-waistlines, I can do that 'cause I have the longest torso ever (They make your ass look funny though like in a weird way the same way banana boobs are funny) Ugs are never idea ESPECIALLY IN THE SUMMER! I shit you not I see at least once a day someone running around in shorts and ugs. WHY?!

  13. Ah, I saw a girl today in a strappy sundress, above the knee, with cowboy boots. Ummmm, its Boston not Nashville, and its 60 tops up here. I would have been clutching my arms to my body shaking and attempting to stop my teeth chattering.
    Made me remember your post : )

  14. Julie -- I don't KNOW! I don't KNOW. I'm hoping some girl will just bone up and comment down here to EXPLAIN the rationale.

    Anna -- Hey! I went to college in Boston! That is where I saw so much of the above, the frigid snowstorm panel. Crazy PEOPLE.

  15. I must own your sun pic on a t-shirt.

  16. I'm making it now! I'll post the link in a sec.

  17. Boom.


Hi! I'm glad you want to comment! Please make sure you've reviewed the F.A.Q. if you want to make a non-specific comment about the site.

This is a happy, constructive, kind place. Don't pollute it with bile, please.

Thanks guys!